notes from 12.13 +~

i have a fear that i will no longer relate to the people i care about, and that that difference will disconnect us. but i am also choosing to accept that i have a unique path, and for me it looks a certain way. i need to have a big project to focus on (my work) if i want to make major changes in my life - and if i want to appropriately, sustainably support my family (of origin and chosen) i have to choose my path.

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all the things that activate grief or anguish and cause me to cope (reminders that i’m just human):

• having a friend taken away from me as- what i interpret- punishment

• my mom’s health and her traveling to the philippines in january during a raging pandemi

• the fact that we all labor and don’t get paid enough

• not being where i want to be when i want to be

• being more disconnected from the people i admire or care about

• life in general and life admin

• moments of scarcity mindset

• expectations vs reality

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the underlying message behind “that’s just how i am” feels like, “i’ve never been accepted for who i am and i want people to accept all of me, even the parts that hurt you, and i don’t want to apologize for any of it.” in this sense, “that’s just how i am” can actually feel empowering for some. the problem is it’s a motionless movement- a conundrum- and no one will want to accept “that’s just how i am”’s mistreatment or irresponsibility.