sick sad world

5:52am

this is the second time i’ve woken up this year and had my first thought be, i’m deteriorating—and not in a “this is a natural process of life” sort of way. no. more in a way that feels like, “when i pull back enough, i am depressed enough/ capitalism has its chokehold on me/ i cannot care for myself at full capacity.”

what does it mean to feel like i’m “letting myself go,” but to have no full autonomy or functioning. it’s a sick sad world… because people are sick and sad from the conditions. what if we all saw ourselves as an indicator species.

in non-pandemic time, i would have been back at the gym starting in 2020 and have the mental space to call and follow through with my dentist. though i guess the path is never linear and maybe i’m being too hard on myself.

last night my diy phd podlet and i talked about reframing discipline as pleasure, as self-compassion, as stability, as reparenting. what is the possibility of discipline for us now as adults?

and maybe i don’t need to attach myself to that first thought about deterioration in the first place.